Dunhamisms Issue #2

It’s with immense excitement that I get to introduce one of my favorite writers, thinkers, directors, actors, Substackers, jobbiests, basically one of my favorite people to ever make anything on this strange little planet we’re all trotting around—Lena Dunham. Lena is here with her second edition of Dunhamisms to answer questions about a topic that fuels us all: friendship. Lena’s second memoir Famesick is out Tuesday and she’s embarking on what is sure to be a legendary book tour (last night in Philly with Emrata!! Tomorrow in Brooklyn with Andrew Rannells!! Then, Emily Sundberg in Boston!! And Naomi Fry in New Haven!!). I can’t wait for my copy of Not That Kind of Girl to have a sister on my bookshelf. Hey Lil’ Maniacs, It’s been such a joy to receive all of your questions, and I will endeavor to answer as many as I can before I turn forty, one month from today. The countdown is on, but at least I have your many humane and tender queries to keep me distracted from my imminent death. This week, we’re coming at you in collaboration with i-D Magazine. My pal Nicolaia was asked to choose the theme and she settled on “friendship”- which is fitting because both my bestie Alissa Bennett and I have done our time as i-D cover girls. You know that TikTok sound where the guy says… Well, I think Lissy and I are successfully proving him wrong :) Anyway, I love this theme. My work makes it pretty clear that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about friendship- what it’s for, what it feels like, what it should feel like and how to navigate it when things get swampy, dark, or contentious. I think a lot of that comes from the childhood years I spent fairly friendless, trying to understand what other girls understood about connection that I didn’t (at the time, that seemed defined by bootcut jeans and choppy layers). Now that I think of it, maybe the issue was that no boys had come out of the closet yet, and I didn’t realize that my destiny was to be smack dab in the middle of a pack of gays? Let’s be honest, some of us just work better there. That’s not to say I’m not a girl’s girl- it’s a religion, and I follow the bible to the letter. You’ll never catch me talking out of school or flirting with someone else’s beloved! But I have always found myself both obsessed with, and terrified of, the powerful tides of female friendship. It’s consumed me in ways both productive (art) and not as productive (“people pleasing” which we used to just call being a spineless pushover!). So the chance to answer your questions is also a chance to consider the journey I’ve taken on this subject, and the relative peace that has ruled my personal friendship kingdom for quite a while now. One of the best things about getting older is that I find my friendships are far less conflicted. I can’t actually remember the last time a friendship required anything more than a small tune up—knock-down-drag-em-out fights feel as quaint as a horse drawn carriage, but I know I had ‘em because I have the sense memory to prove it. An analogy: when you’re young, you try lots of styles on for size. Emo, goth, skater girl, Sporty Spice, Zooey Deschanel vintage charm. Each one feels good for a moment, but then stifling- it can’t fully encompass you. So you switch and you slide and it feels pretty manic until one day, you realize you’ve found a groove- it’s not one abiding aesthetic but instead the melding of all your influences. Friendship is like that too- you start to realize the signature blend of people that defines you, what you get from each and- just as essentially- what you have to offer. Hi Lena! Sending a DM because digital footprint! My question- how to know when it’s time to let a friendship go/how to navigate having that difficult conversation without wanting to hurt their feelings. Bonus point if you have mutual friends and know you’ll continue to see them. Can’t wait for famesick xx This is a great question and hit me right in my guts in the best way. Thank you for sending:) A lot of my book Famesick is about friendship, how beautiful it feels as it forms, and also, how it can outlive its expiration date. I find letting go of friendships- particularly with women, my Achilles heel- incredibly challenging. There is always a desire to try and fix it, to communicate and clarify. With romantic partners, we tend to sense when the jig is up, but- because we’ve been sold the narrative that besties are eternal- we may try and work the problem when it’s already pretty apparent that the fit is not fitting. The best friendships can withstand a huge amount of change, personal ups and downs, geographic shifts and life’s most painful milestones- but sometimes the wires get crossed, and friends start expecting too much of each other, or become unkind because of their own stuff they’re not aware of/can’t express. To me, it’s time to pack it in when people stop expecting the best from each other. They start imagining (or sensing) darker currents or motives, and one person is trying to convince the other of their good intentions. To my mind, real friendship is not: -Predicted on some idea that friendship involves endless emotional labor. Yes, friends step up for each other in truly eye-watering ways, and sometimes even offer more than they have in times of crisis. But that’s a gift, not a given. -Doesn’t involve score keeping (i.e. “I did x for you, so you better do x for me… or else…”) -Isn’t snarky or cruel- when someone has an issue or needs to clarify something, they do it clearly and kindly. They don’t let some passy aggro bullshit slip after the ninth glass of wine. -Doesn’t leave you feeling bad about yourself and afraid of them. -Doesn’t push past your boundaries or expect you to be uncomfortable just to make them comfortable. -Is honest and forthright. Within all this there are so many configurations that work and a friendship can take many forms over one lifetime! But if you go down this check list and nod “yeah, yeah… yeah that one too…” then it’s time to consider that the dynamic is no longer working. This doesn’t have to be considered a personal or collective failure. It can actually just mean everyone is changing and sometimes the train can handle passengers, but sometimes it’s gotta go freight all the way to Nova Scotia. It’s also okay to love someone but need space- unlike a family dynamic or a marriage, friendships don’t require you to keep banging your head against the wall until it’s either fixed or utterly unfixable. Once you’ve had a friendship end or change- even if it’s not dramatic- seeing that person can bring up a lot. It reminds you of the joyful early days, when you were falling in giddy love, laughing with your feet kicked up behind you like teens in Bye Bye Birdie. It can remind you of the bitter end, when you felt unseen and taken for granted. And, most painfully, it can remind you of your own limitations and bring up a lot of guilt and self blame. My goal when running into someone I’ve had an intimate dynamic with- any kind of intimate dynamic- is always to be elegant and kind and acknowledge the shared history while not re-instigating negative patterns. DO: “Hey, it’s so nice to see you. I was just wondering the other day if your mother still quilts!” DON’T: “Well, you look happy. Nice to see that for once, since your depression was such a running theme and apparently why you couldn’t come to my birthday party at that escape room.” When it comes to mutuals, I never force them to take sides or make them listen to an Amazon wishlist of grievances. I try not to indulge in negatively speaking about someone with their friend (even though sometimes it’s the mutual friend who wants to do this, which can be very tempting lol! But remember, that means they’d do the exact same in your absence, and if ya think you’re immune I’ve got news for you honey…) Your shared friends will appreciate not being put in the middle and will be impressed by your graciousness, even if you have to go home an…