Fucking Season (Bonus): 5 Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Became Polyamorous

This is one of those posts that can exist only because I’ve lived it. I’ve loved deeply. I’ve fucked up. I’ve caused pain. I’ve learned. And I definitely have exes who would roll their eyes at the fact that I’m writing this at all- so hi, this one’s for you too. This isn’t a guide on how to be polyamorous. It’s a reflection on what I wish someone had told me before I learned these lessons by stepping directly on the rake. This video is where the stories live. The writing below is what stayed with me. This is the most annoying truth, so let’s start here. Polyamory is not about sex. It’s about your relationship with yourself. There is so much processing. Feelings everywhere. Text threads multiplying like gremlins. Emotional logistics. Calendar negotiations. Long conversations that start with, “I’m feeling something and I don’t know what it is yet.” The core work is learning how to be in relationship with your own emotions- so that you can hold space for other people’s without collapsing, controlling, or disappearing. Even if you’re monogamous, this still applies. A strong relationship with yourself makes you a better partner, period. Jealousy doesn’t go away because you’re poly. Everyone is jealous dot com. The work isn’t eliminating jealousy- it’s acknowledging it without weaponizing it. When I feel jealous, it’s usually because I want something: affection, attention, creativity, fun, rest. And it’s tempting to make that my partner’s responsibility. But jealousy is information, not a verdict. I keep a literal list of things I do when I feel jealous- creative projects, movement, pleasure, rest. If I do all of those and I still feel activated, then I reach out. Nine times out of ten, I don’t make it to the end of the list. Love might feel infinite. Time and energy are not. Polyamory doesn’t mean you should be dating everyone you’re attracted to. It means being honest about how many people you can actually show up for with care, consistency, and presence. And that count includes: existing partners children friends family yourself I’ve learned that I can only be deeply intimate with a small number of people at once. That’s not a failure- it’s self-knowledge. Polyamory will teach you how often you lie- not just to others, but to yourself. I used to believe that lying protected people. It doesn’t. It just delays the pain and calcifies confusion on top of it. That doesn’t mean oversharing everything. It means finding the middle ground: no secrets no performances no pretending you’re fine when you’re not Growth happens in the hard conversations. If you avoid them, you also avoid intimacy. My ex and I made so many rules when we opened our relationship to non-monogamy and polyamory: no dates at the house no exes no falling in love And then- surprise- we broke all of them. Rules don’t prevent pain. They just give you something extra to argue about when real life happens. What matters more than rules is communication, repair, and curiosity when something goes sideways. Because it will. Life is messy. Love is messy. Polyamory just makes that more visible. This isn’t about convincing anyone to be polyamorous. It’s about learning how to: sit with discomfort take responsibility for your feelings stop outsourcing your happiness and tell the truth with care Those skills matter in every kind of relationship. If you’re considering polyamory, already practicing it, or just curious- take what resonates. Leave the rest. I love you. See you in the comments. 💋