How to change the uncomfortable stories we tell ourselves

Dear 95 subscribers, it’s so great to have you. The Examined Life is dedicated to our spiritual and emotional well-being using verified consciousness research. If you were forwarded this email, get your own: We define ourselves with stories. Sometimes they are true, sometimes they’re BS. We don’t always know. To conjure and believe stories is a primal human need. They shape our memory and lived experience (which may otherwise be formless). Stories influence how we see ourself, our worldview, our relationships with the events of life, and with others To be clear: here, when I say ‘story,’ it’s only in the context of how we see our life and attach meaning to its events. This isn’t a post about story as craft. Like the moon’s gravitational pull shaping tides, stories influence our mind, our decisions and actions. We hang on to stories from the past, even when some of them are clearly unpleasant. Maybe you can relate: I’m not worthy, I’m just no good I had so much promise until ____ If only I could turn back time and _____ We also maintain carefully chosen stories about the future: If I get that Leica, I could be as good as that Magnum photographer When I get that online course or car or partner or Peleton, I will be happy And the present moment, you say? That’s often by avoided by focussing on anything but: constant activity, eating, surfing, or simply rehashing stories… but that’s a story for another time :) Now, if you’ve also arrived at the awareness that—yes, I too seem to be hanging on to certain stories, and perhaps I would like to change them—then this post can help. Let’s dive into why we hang on to stories Here’s a great analogy that Dr Hawkins uses to describe the nature of our consciousness. He writes: “Our consciousness is like the hardware of a computer, that will run any software or program that is installed on it. No matter what programs we run, the hardware—the computer itself—remains unchanged. The purity and integrity of the hardware has not been sullied, even if the programs are erroneous.” This primordial innocence is intrinsic to consciousness. It means we’re impressionable and programmable from the start: As children, we unquestionably believe the words and actions of parents and caregivers. Teachers, television, and peers. Being incredibly suggestible, we sense the weight of their words and actions, and eagerly attach ourselves to it. He goes on to explain how we carry this innocence into adulthood: “Within the adult remains that same unchanged, childlike consciousness, with its innocence, purity of motive, and capacity to remain pure no matter what the programs may be. It is exactly what is reading these words right now. It is the childlike consciousness, with all its purity and innocence, that is reading this teaching right now—not the person or personality, but that consciousness… Even if the person who is reading says, “I don’t believe a word of it,” where does that statement come from? It comes from another belief system that the child bought out of innocence. The father says, “Don’t trust anybody,” or some disappointing experience sets up the program within the child’s mind. “Don’t trust anything you hear.” So if we are saying to ourself, “I don’t believe anything he says,” we are saying that because, out of the childlike innocence, we bought that program. “The way to be secure in this world is to be mistrusting, skeptical, and not believe anything you hear or you will be misled down the primrose path.” — Hawkins, David R., Healing and Recovery This way of looking at one’s innermost being as an innocent child is a such profound and moving insight. Once we see that, it’s not hard to see all kinds of erroneous programs we pick up during childhood: Never trust people of that skin-colour, religion, or appearance… Never play with those children… Do as I say, but not as I do How can we approach this innocence? Dr Hawkins suggests paying attention to inner dialogue or beliefs to discern how stories arise. Our inner stories are often reinforced by thought-loops. Thoughts, in turn, are fuelled by the pressure of suppressed or repressed feelings (i.e. feelings pushed out of one’s awareness). Stories also coalesce around meaning and worldview to create belief systems (often not vocalized) that act as organizing principles for our behaviour: I am my body. I must ensure the body’s survival no matter what. I need to seek sensory pleasure or reward, no matter what. Sometimes these create entire industries that feed temporal goals (“anti-aging,” etc). Belief systems can be incredibly powerful, and have the power to make us sick. Because whatever is held in mind tends to expresses itself in the body—just like weight. This may not be obvious at first, but here’s the first step towards emotional and spiritual self-care: When we look at ‘self-care’, which is the capacity to love one’s self, we find it now means taking responsibility to protect ourselves from the consequences of that innocence and the willingness to undo mistakes that the mind picked up as a result. We can then handle looking at ourselves and healing that which we find within us if we accept the awareness of the intrinsic innocence of our consciousness. We see that it was the innocence that was programmed. We then take responsibility for that and say, “In my innocence, I bought all that; I didn’t know any better. I thought that the right thing to do was to be judgmental, to condemn people, and to judge them as right or wrong. Now I see that all that has made me sick, so I’m going to let it go.”’ – Hawkins, David R., Healing and Recovery. Hay House. Kindle Edition. This is why the mind unaided cannot tell the difference between what is true and what is false. In order to let go of stories, one needs to let go of the attachment to their emotional payoff. Sometimes a significant life event forces us to change our perception, worldview, our story. Change can feel like death to the ego. Unlearning is truly challenging. When it comes to spiritual or emotional unlearning - we seldom know the outcome, and rely on faith. E.g.: To give up the ‘justified’ pleasure of hating and resenting someone just for the sake of my inner peace, what I am really putting my faith in is the idea that I will gain something if I let go. But to the burning mind, a reservoir of calm is just an abstract idea. That’s why few become willing to let go of the payoff of resentments, and by doing so choose recovery When we experience the truth of a principle, when see an affirmation becoming the truth in our life then spiritual work becomes enormously gratifying and empowering. What makes certain affirmations powerful is alignment to universal principles of truth. An affirmation of a universal truth helps to guide our present self towards what we want to be in the future. Affirmations can seem about looking out there, but only to find that it is within us. In other words, the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Here are a couple of common 12 step slogans—common to the point of cliché, but like all clichés they are true: Easy does it First things first One day at a time Progress, not perfection Principles before personalities Be part of the solution, not part of the problem This too shall pass Such slogans give the (hopeless) addict hope that her story will change. When, along the journey of the 12 steps when the transformation happens, the affirmations turn out to have been true all along. You might be thinking: Why are we harping on about alcoholics and 12 steps, when it’s got nothing to do with me? Because recovery from addictions is the ultimate example of changing one’s story. Prior to Alcoholics Anonymous, recovery from alcohol addiction was non-existent. Since, the 12 steps have since offered the world a tried and tested pathway, with numerous programs patterned after AA’s model of letting go of criticism and judgement, and moving towards acceptance and compassion. It’s called the…