What Sad Surprise Might Set You Free?

Recently I had an interesting exchange with an Ask Polly reader that I liked to share with everyone because I enjoyed it so much. It begins with this email I wrote after a subscription was disputed. Hi Teresa. I see you disputed a charge from Ask Polly but have been reading my column for years. I accepted the dispute which should refund you the $50 for a yearly subscription. Your dispute said “product not received.” Was there a specific complaint or some feedback you want to share about the column? I’m just wondering if there’s anything I can do to improve my column, particularly for people like you who’ve been reading for a long time. Your money has been refunded either way, of course, and this note wasn’t written by AI or by an assistant. I’m just trying to make sure that I reach out to longtime readers because I’m very appreciative of their support over the years. Substack defaults to challenging every dispute, but that feels off to me. Either way, best wishes to you and sincere thanks for reading for so long! Polly Dear Polly, I have to admit, when I first received this email, I thought it was sent by a scammer. My personal information was recently part of a data breach, and as a longtime reader and fan of both you and Ask Polly, I certainly would never dispute my subscription charge. On top of that, it’s hard for me to believe that Polly would reach out to me personally. However, I thought, if anyone would, you in particular might enjoy the long, somewhat strange explanation of how my subscription charge got disputed. After receiving your email this morning, I remembered that my ex-husband mentioned some weird charges on a credit card that used to be a joint card. You see, Polly, two years ago (almost exactly!), my then-husband told me, a week before my 50th birthday, that he wanted to leave me. For me, it was the most devastating surprise. I italicize because, when it comes to divorce, I don’t have the words to emphasize just how devastating it can be. And over the long, hard slog of the past two years of trying to move on from my divorce, I cannot tell you how many times I’ve thought about writing to Ask Polly, sometimes just to vent and sometimes to ask, “How do you get over being so bitter, sad, and angry after your life implodes in middle age?” But I never sent those letters. Because I thought, Why would Polly answer a letter from the embarrassing stereotype of the middle-aged lady who was left by her husband and didn’t see it coming? Instead, I ended up channeling that energy to writing a personal essay (because, of course, I am a writer, too) about how a sad middle-aged lady can become an unexpected badass. It even got published on New Year’s Day! Which is a win I very much needed. In my essay, I wrote: “Yes, I have failed in life, not because of my personality, but because I am human, and sometimes being a human in this world is hard. But when I do find myself standing alone at a crossroads, I always make the choice to push through.” But, oh, how I have digressed from the topic at hand! To give you the short explanation after this rambling response, my ex-husband disputed the charge, somewhat ironically, to a subscription that helped me survive the last two years of my life. So, now, I’m going to go sign up for a new subscription to Ask Polly, using a credit card that is mine and mine alone, because it turns out even a devastating surprise divorce can set a woman free. Thank you for reaching out personally and for writing Ask Polly. I can’t wait to continue reading. Sincerely, Teresa Thanks to Teresa for her great reply! Her essay is relatable and inspiring so I wanted to share a link so that all Ask Polly readers can enjoy it. I also want to take this opportunity to remind everyone that I love answering letters from embarrassing stereotypes! It is absolutely impossible not to be a ridiculous cliché over and over again, from birth to death. So many of the jarring or devastating events in a life feel both shameful and HORRIBLY TYPICAL. Most of us simply can’t believe that, instead of dodging the mistakes and dead ends we’ve worked so hard to avoid (and believed we COULD avoid, with enough hard work), we ALL wind up being humbled in one way or another. (Or in many, many ways!) One of the worst things about the internet is that it teaches us to see every aspect of the human condition as stereotypical. Our most fundamental battles and tribulations as humans were once honored in great literature; now we’re exposed to millions of snide jesters who turn shared rites of passage into disposable punchlines. But disappointment, frustration, regret, and bewilderment come for all of us eventually. So don’t hesitate to write to me about it. And remember to talk to your friends about your mistakes, regrets, and big worries, too. When you treat your despair like it’s shameful and stupid, you amplify your suffering for no reason. Even when there’s no easy solution, one of the best things to do in the face of dread and anxiety is to talk about it. “I feel like I’m all washed up,” I said to a good friend a few weeks ago over a beer. We laughed and she said that she felt the same way. And ever since then, I’ve felt so relaxed and optimistic. Sometimes you have to admit that you’re a stereotype in order to experience the unique joy of being you. Thanks for reading Ask Polly! If you ever have a subscription problem, feel free to contact me directly at askpolly@protonmail.com. If you’ve been reading for free for years, I’m publishing less free posts these days, so consider a paid subscription to stay in the loop. Paid subscribers keep this column running and I appreciate your continued support so much!