Comedy
comedy · the day's top 9 · june 11th
storyflo · comedy
Jun 11, 2026 · 15 min listen
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comedy · the day's top 9 · june 11th
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NEW YORK — Spotify debuted a live concert concept where premium ticket holders can skip the songs they don’t like, sources confirmed. “We’re taking the classic Spotify experience out of the digital and into this season’s hottest live shows. We’re taking the power of skips away from the band and giving it to the people. We’re democratizing the setlist—specifically, for those who pay for it,” said Alex Norström, one of the co-CEOs of Spotify. “It’s simple. At any point in the concert, a premium customer opens the Spotify app, proposes a skip, moderates a discussion with other premium customers, and spends one of their skip tokens on a vote. If the skip gets enough votes, the band stops playing and moves on to another song. Of course, additional skip tokens are available for a modest fee. If the band receives enough skips, they’re quickly escorted off stage and replaced by a second band identified by our matching algorithm. You’re going to love it.” Premium ticket holders are already leaving rave reviews. “I got such a rush from watching the poors cry when I voted to skip ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’ at the Green Day show. I love that song, but I love ruining the show for my ex even more,” said Ainsley Calhoun, one of 1,763 premium customers at the Green Day concert. “Every third song or so, everyone who wasn’t premium had to turn around, cover their ears, and watch five minutes of ads on a giant screen at the back of the venue. Meanwhile, I bought enough skip tokens to outvote everyone so I could hear ‘Nightlife.’ God, I’ve never been more aroused.” Bands questioned whether the model is sustainable. “Spotify promised to pay us double for each skip. I should’ve asked what was being doubled, because we still only made 43 cents from the entire show,” said Tré Cool, drummer for Green Day. “I called Spotify personally to tell them this will bankrupt our tour. They said the money is nothing compared to the exposure that will bring people to our live shows. What live shows? We’re doing live shows right now!” As of press time, a Hellbastard show ended in a riot after enough skips brought Lee Greenwood to the stage. The post Concert Sponsored by Spotify Lets Premium Ticket Holders Skip Songs They Don’t Like appeared first on HARDTIMES.
GREER, S.C. — Local grandfather Lawrence Bookbinder’s family determined that his recent habit of expressing his thoughts and feelings must be the result of senility, glum sources reported. “I knew it would happen someday, but I wasn’t ready for his mind to start going like this so soon,” said Kayla Bookbinder, Lawrence’s granddaughter. “He just hasn’t been acting like himself lately. The other day, out of nowhere, he started talking about his past? Like, talking about himself, sharing memories about growing up in his childhood home and playing in the yard with his siblings, stuff like that. I was ready to write it off as a one-time ‘senior moment,’ but he kept piping up, sharing information about himself and expressing his opinions. It was really disturbing, that’s just not the Grandpa I’ve come to know.” Lawrence, however, is reluctant to accept his family’s suspicions of dementia. “I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with me, I’ve just been speaking up a little more than usual. My wife and kids talk about themselves all the time, why shouldn’t I talk about myself? I’ve been sitting quietly through family dinners for 50 years, it’s my turn,” said Lawrence. “My conversation topics have traditionally been limited to what new chain restaurants are opening in the area and what Tom Clancy novel I’m reading, so it must have been alarming for them when I started talking about my relationship with my father. And now that I think about it, I did tell my grandkids I loved them… maybe I am starting to lose it?” Jennifer Liu, a local geriatric doctor, says that she frequently encounters situations like that of the Bookbinder family. “I see this all the time in my profession,” said Liu. “People bring in their elderly male relatives for cognitive tests as soon as they start expressing emotions, or talking about their feelings, or tipping at a coffee shop. Sometimes it’s dementia, sometimes they’re just finally ready to talk. Either way, you want to treat this behavior early or it will only get worse. Their extrovertedness might seem tolerable at first, but when it comes down to it, I don’t think most people really want to hear the thoughts and feelings of anyone born before 1970.” At press time, the Bookbinders also suspected that their elderly grandmother was senile after she momentarily forgot where the Facebook app was located on her iPad. The post Grandpa Opening Up to Family for First Time Written Off as Senile appeared first on HARDTIMES.
A frustrated writer describes being forced out of his Los Angeles apartment after a massive rent hike, leaving him without a place to stay. He recalls a line from a Randy Newman song that made him feel the songwriter was a friend, and decides to seek shelter at Newman’s home, assuming the musician would welcome a fellow fan in need.
When he arrives, he finds the guest room already occupied with Newman’s hobby supplies, and he settles in with his luggage. The next morning, Newman, dressed in a bathrobe, confronts him, demanding he leave. The writer pleads that he thought they were friends, but Newman claims he doesn’t recognize him, and the encounter quickly escalates.
Security personnel intervene, and the writer is forcibly removed from the house, even being pushed toward a window. He describes the experience as humiliating, noting that Newman’s reaction seemed especially harsh toward his short stature. The incident leaves him feeling betrayed and angry, reinforcing his belief that the music industry’s promises of camaraderie are often empty.
He ends by reflecting on how the episode has deepened his dislike for Los Angeles, suggesting that even celebrated artists can be unhelpful when someone is truly in need.
The Onion imagines a surreal Sunday where the White House turns its South Lawn into a UFC arena for “Freedom 250,” coinciding with President Trump’s 80th birthday. The piece treats the event like a massive production, listing a string of bizarre statistics that blend political history with fight‑night spectacle.
A $1.2 million price tag is attached to restoring Thomas Jefferson’s original octagon, while a handful of drinks are noted before shirtless commentator Pete Hegseth attempts to step into the ring. The Bill of Rights is humorously cited as mentioning mixed martial arts seven times, and future Supreme Court justices are absurdly placed on the fight card.
Other tongue‑in‑cheek figures include a minuscule .001 percent chance a fighter will walk out to the “Will and Grace” theme, an average ring‑girl age of thirteen, and twenty instances of Pope Leo declining an invitation. The article even mentions three starved lions on standby should the action lag, and nine women participating in the event.
The satire caps off with a nod to the White House Easter Egg Hunt, promising scattered teeth to be discovered the following year. The overall tone lampoons the absurdity of mixing high‑profile political venues with the raw spectacle of UFC, turning mundane historical references into punchy, comedic data points.
Voters are expressing frustration with congressional candidate Ted Botello's campaign focus on improving the economy. Many feel he is neglecting more important issues and instead constantly talks about making life more affordable.
Some voters are disappointed that Botello has not attempted to explain away personal scandals or scapegoat certain cultures. They believe this type of rhetoric would help him connect with average voters.
Botello has unveiled a four-part plan to lower gas prices, which is part of his overall economic improvement platform. Despite this, voters like Marcie Cagle remain unimpressed, wishing he would discuss more divisive topics.
Cagle and others feel that Botello's focus on everyday Americans' needs, such as affordable healthcare and rent, is not resonating with them. They want to hear more inflammatory language and less about economic issues that affect their daily lives.
The reaction to Botello's campaign has been underwhelming, with many voters feeling that he lacks exciting or provocative ideas. His insistence on discussing economic improvement has been seen as dull and unengaging.
Botello's campaign will likely need to shift its focus if he hopes to gain more traction with voters. However, it remains to be seen whether he will abandon his economic platform in favor of more sensational topics.
CLAYMONT, DE—As part of its effort to make the popular consumer-led food safety platform kid-friendly and provide parents with tools for oversight, IWasPoisoned.com announced Friday that it was now offering teen accounts. “Starting today, new restrictions have been placed on the accounts of IWasPoisoned.com users under the age of 18, who will now need permission to view certain posts about contracting food poisoning at local restaurants,” said website CEO and founder Patrick Quade, adding that a feature called Family Poison Center would allow parents to decide both how many and what kinds of user-generated posts about nausea, diarrhea, or vomiting their children could see. “First and foremost, we hope that IWasPoisoned.com can be a safe, supportive place where children who have eaten tainted food and contracted a dangerous bout of norovirus, listeria, or E. coli can describe that experience to strangers in graphic detail. We are also committed to blocking various keywords that are harmful to teens, including ‘severe gas,’ ‘bloody stool,’ ‘hospital,’ and ‘Walmart Supercenter.’ ” The introduction of teen accounts follows an incident last year in which millions of children were reportedly exposed to an IWasPoisoned.com post written by the family of a 56-year-old man who ordered a barbacoa burrito from Chipotle and subsequently died in a pool of his own vomit, urine, and feces. The post IWasPoisoned.com Introduces New Teen Accounts appeared first on The Onion.
NEW YORK—Touting the initiative as a way to “bring love for the Orange and Blue to the places that need it most,” the New York Mets front office announced Thursday that franchise mascot Mr. Met had embarked on a missionary trip to the Amazon rainforest to spread Mets fandom to the region’s uncontacted tribes. “As we speak, Mr. Met is canoeing down the Envira River deep in the heart of the southwestern Amazon, distributing Mets hats, foam fingers, and Doc Gooden rookie cards to people who have never even heard of David Wright,” said Mets owner Steve Cohen, who showed reporters photographs of the baseball-headed mascot handing out free Mike Piazza jerseys to the Javari Valley’s Arrow People and drawing a Citi Field diagram in the soil with a stick as fascinated Mashco Piro tribe members looked on. “We firmly believe that by teaching these peoples to sing ‘Meet The Mets’ and explaining to them why the offseason additions of Bo Bichette and Freddy Peralta might make the team into playoff contenders, Mr. Met can create a passionate New York Mets fan base in some of the most isolated cultures on the planet.” Cohen concluded the press conference by acknowledging that Mr. Met had narrowly escaped death at the hands of a hunter-gatherer society that had already become diehard Colorado Rockies fans following an earlier visit from Dinger the triceratops. The post Mr. Met Embarks On Missionary Trip To Spread Mets Fandom To Uncontacted Amazon Tribes appeared first on The Onion.
LEAWOOD, KS—Remarking that it seemed “a tad excessive” to own more than a dozen of the recreational bouncing devices, pop star Taylor Swift reportedly urged fiancé Travis Kelce on Thursday to whittle down the number of trampolines on their wedding registry to one. “That’s a lot of trampolines, babe, and you can really only bounce on one at a time,” said Swift, who scrolled through the assortment of indoor and outdoor trampolines with a look of growing apprehension on her face as the Kansas City Chiefs tight end pleaded, “Come on, babe, 13 trampolines—it’s your favorite number!” “Hmm, it looks like you added both the Jumpflex Hero and the Jumpflex Mega. Is there really a difference between the two? I get that making one floor of our house nothing but trampolines would be fun, but how often do you think we’d really use that? No, Trav, they can’t be tax write-offs. That’s not how that works… Okay, fine, but can you at least cut it down to three?” At press time, sources said Kelce was vehemently arguing that a bouncy house didn’t count as a trampoline. The post Taylor Swift Urges Travis Kelce To Whittle Down Trampolines On Registry To One appeared first on The Onion.
Day 4,382 of people asking whether “normal workers” could really move large stones without assistance from mystical sky beings. Yes. That is generally how construction functions. - - - A man approached me near the Nile today and whispered, “But have you considered… visitors from the stars?” Brother. We do not even have reliable sandals yet. Why would intergalactic civilizations travel unimaginable distances only to help stack triangles? - - - People dramatically underestimate what thousands of organized humans can accomplish when they are adequately fed, aggressively supervised, and denied alternative career paths. - - - Another traveler asked: “How could ancient people possibly understand mathematics?” Excellent question. We accidentally invented geometry while trying to avoid carrying rocks incorrectly. - - - There is a strange tendency among future civilizations to imagine ancient Egyptians spent all day worshipping cats, speaking in riddles, and waiting for aliens to explain basic engineering. - - - I showed one visitor the ramps. The pulleys. The labor records. The architectural planning. He nodded thoughtfully and replied, “Interesting. But what if extraterrestrials?” At this point, I believe some people simply find aliens emotionally comforting. - - - Do you know what sounds more believable than “A sophisticated civilization developed impressive construction techniques over centuries”? Apparently: “Space people.” - - - Yesterday, someone pointed at the pyramids and said, “There’s no way humans did this.” This feels deeply insulting considering humans also created taxation, organized warfare, and raisins. Clearly, we are capable of terrible perseverance. - - - The workers themselves would be furious hearing these theories. Imagine dedicating twenty years to hauling limestone under desert heat only for somebody in the future to conclude, “Honestly, this feels Martian.” Also, if aliens truly possessed advanced cosmic technology, why would they choose pyramids? Why not invent indoor cooling? Or chairs that support the lower back? - - - Tomorrow, I must return to supervising entirely human workers using entirely human tools to build another entirely human monument that future people will somehow attribute to lizards from space.
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