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comedy · the day's top 10 · june 12th
storyflo · comedy
Jun 12, 2026 · 15 min listen
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comedy · the day's top 10 · june 12th
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Florida “Republican Jesus” Buck Swanson, a self‑styled MAGA enthusiast, shocked guests at his cousin’s wedding by allegedly converting several plastic squirt guns into functional AR‑15 rifles. Swanson claimed he used the novelty as a substitute for a real firearm, saying the transformation was as easy as his previous kitchen‑hack of feeding a crowd with a pack of hot dogs. His stunt quickly turned into a viral sensation among right‑wing circles in Florida.
The episode sparked a wave of adulation from a fringe of conservative Christians who began to treat Swanson as a messianic figure. Followers praised his alleged ability to turn toys into weapons and even attribute miraculous healing powers to him, while boasting about his confrontations with gun‑control activists. Their enthusiasm has led some to abandon traditional churches in favor of this new cult‑like devotion.
Religious leaders, however, issued stark warnings. Clergy from a local church denounced Swanson as a false idol, describing him as a satanic emissary who distracts men from genuine faith. They emphasized that true messianic figures would not be found in jorts and flag‑themed flip‑flops, urging believers to stay grounded in established doctrine.
At the time of reporting, Swanson was seen fleeing an active‑shooter incident at a nearby Walmart, still armed with one of his improvised rifles. The bizarre combination of gun‑making theatrics and extremist worship continues to fuel debate over the influence of fringe personalities on political and religious discourse.
CHARLESTON, S.C. — Staunch conservative Darryl Higgins was seen at a local restaurant after attending church struggling to explain to his wife that the Grindr app on his phone was merely something for looking up power tool information and had nothing to do with hooking up with other men, witnesses confirmed. “Whatever sound you thought you heard in church this morning, babe, you’ve got this all wrong. Grindr for finding power tools like grinders, get it? You know how these apps are with their kooky spelling! I’m just using it for a secret project for a new giant American flag pole in the yard. I swear I’m just using it for getting drilled — I mean drills,” said Higgins. “I don’t know nothing about any gay sex app! That stuff I was messaging about power bottoms, I just meant those heavy duty batteries. You know me, I’m like the straightest guy of all time.The only shafts I work on are hot rods and not our son’s Sunday school teacher, Rod.” Higgins’ wife wanted to believe him, but remained highly skeptical. “I almost believed him when he blamed Darryl Jr. for the all those ‘9 inch poles’ searches on the family computer, but I’m not fucking stupid. Six other women in my Moms for Liberty chapter told me they caught their husbands on some gay dating app that sounded suspiciously like the one Darryl has,” said Mary Higgins. “I’m giving him five more minutes to explain why someone on the app would be reaching out to him about bringing lube and protection, and I’m pretty sure it’s not for his eyes.” Grindr reps admitted they field inquiries from suspicious spouses on a daily basis. “Our inbox is like an avalanche from clueless wives after their husbands return from the Republican National Convention to unannounced fishing trips with ‘some friends.’ It’s against policy to divulge private information, but you have no idea how many times I just want to reach through the screen and shake some sense into these idiots,” said customer service rep Kevin Sheffield. “So no, Grindr isn’t for bespoke salt shakers, it’s not for finding old grain mills, and it’s definitely not for angle grinders. Are these people in denial or just that oblivious?” As of press time, Darryl Higgins was seen outside in the parking lot desperately trying to explain to his wife why “Home Depot” was calling him about an upcoming orgy. The post Conservative Man Struggling To Convince Wife That Grindr an App for Power Tools appeared first on HARDTIMES.
It’s Pride Month, and for many of this nation’s heartless corporations, that means the season of shameless pandering and cash grabs. That’s why it’s so refreshing (just like a certain soft drink!) when a company takes the time to listen, to care, and to make a highly personalized, uniquely targeted shameless cash grab at someone who could really use it. Paul Gorbman is an openly gay 17-year-old high school junior living in the less-than-progressive suburbs of Jacksonville, Florida. In a recent viral social media video, Paul laid out harrowing details of the harassment and bullying he’s received since coming out, both from his fellow students and even, Paul claims, some of the school’s faculty members. The video is a sobering reminder that some parts of this country still have a long way to go when it comes to accepting the LGBTQ+ community. Fortunately for Paul, his story did not fall on deaf ears. When representatives of the Coca-Cola Company saw Paul’s tearful video, they sprang into action to let the victimized teen know his voice was being heard loud and clear. Just imagine the surprise and joy Paul must have felt when he woke up the next day to see his social media accounts bombarded with targeted ads reading “Nothing Goes Better With Being Gay Than The Refreshing Taste of Coca-Cola.” We reached out to Paul to get his reaction to Coca-Cola’s charitable marketing, and he was every bit as ecstatic as you can imagine! “Yeah, it was weird; my whole feed was just the same Coca-Cola ad over and over. I mean, I like Coke fine, I guess. Don’t really see the dot connect with being gay, to be honest. Do they mean like, after gay sex? Coca-Cola is terrible after sex. All that sugar and fizz? You mostly just want water, if anything, maybe a sports drink? Anyway, still facing a lot of harassment at school.” According to Coca-Cola spokesperson Terry Minx, this is only the beginning. “The gay thing was just the first test of this exciting new format. With AI, the possibilities are endless. As you know, Breast Cancer Awareness month is right around the corner, and we’re already hard at work on a special targeted ad for everyone on the internet who has breast cancer! I’m thinking something like ‘Nothing goes better with breast cancer than the taste of Coca-Cola,’ or maybe, ‘an ice-cold Coca-Cola?’ We’re still workshopping, but it’s all just part of our way of saying “Hey, drink our product.’ It’s easy to be cynical in 2026, but as long as there are selfless helpers like The Coca-Cola Company out there, we can all rest assured that no matter what challenges we face, we will always be told where to get our high fructose corn syrup from. And if you find all of this AI-targeted advertising dehumanizing, just remember, nothing goes better with crippling depression than the refreshing taste of Coca-Cola! The post Heartwarming: When the Coca-Cola Company Found Out This Gay Teen Was Being Bullied, They Sent Him a Targeted Ad That Reads “Nothing Goes Better With Being Gay Than the Refreshing Taste of Coca-Cola” appeared first on HARDTIMES.
A new paper published by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that the release of the Apple iPhone in 2007 contributed to a decline in the birth rate, especially among teens and young adults. What do you think? “I just use Android and get abortions.” Alana Fowler, Roof Technician “My phone doesn’t shit itself 10 times a day.” David Featherstone, Stable Sweeper “It’s the 21st Century, man. Fucking’s what my grandparents did.” Jeremy Wasyl, Cellophane Exporter The post Study Finds iPhone Lowered Birth Rate appeared first on The Onion.
More than 26 million U.S. children attend summer camp every year. The Onion examines the pros and cons of sending your kids to overnight camp. PRO Opportunity to make friends from different gated communities Forces bed-wetters to get their shit together Grants parents much-needed private arguing time Bee sting EpiPen was going to expire in September anyway Without devices, your child can focus on developing face-to-face bullying CON Parents have no one to take to Minions & Monsters Kid was already starting enough fires as it is Could just give your child $2,000 to go outside Creates unrealistic expectations for role canoes will play in life Might realize that you actually did make a mistake by having kids The post Pros And Cons Of Sleepaway Camp appeared first on The Onion.
NEW YORK—Urging audiences to see his new film on the biggest screen possible, Disclosure Day director Steven Spielberg claimed in an interview Friday that IMAX provided the best way to experience Josh O’Connor’s soulful yet vulnerable eyes. “In order for you to feel swept away in those deep emerald pools the way I intended, you really have to see it in IMAX,” said Spielberg, revealing that he had shot the film with high-resolution IMAX cameras specifically to capture every detail of O’Connor’s simmering gaze. “As an artist, I can’t control how people view my art, but I really designed this film to be an immersive experience where the audience can just let go and be transported by Josh O’Connor’s warm, pensive glances. On a standard screen, you’re missing at least 50% of the subtle shifts between blue and green his breathtaking irises take on.” Spielberg added that the IMAX format was also the only one large enough to fit Josh O’Connor’s ears. The post Steven Spielberg Claims IMAX Best Way To Experience Josh O’Connor’s Soulful Yet Vulnerable Eyes appeared first on The Onion.
A satirical article portrays NBA insider Shams Charania as publicly admitting he feels completely isolated. The piece describes him posting in the early hours of Thursday, claiming he has driven away everyone who ever cared about him and now faces an empty personal life. It notes that earlier rumors of casual friendships had fizzled, leaving him without any connections despite his willingness to entertain any form of relationship, even short‑term arrangements with easy exit options.
The article emphasizes his frustration with the relentless demands of his profession, suggesting that his dedication has resulted in nothing but disappointment. It portrays him as hearing rumors that his colleagues despise him and that he harbors self‑hatred, amplifying his sense of hopelessness. The narrative also mentions his demoralization after learning that a rival reporter had already broken a major story he was working on just days before.
Presented as a parody, the story uses exaggerated language to mock the pressures of sports journalism and the personal toll it can take. It ends by highlighting the absurdity of the situation, framing Charania’s confession as a dramatic, yet fictional, moment of despair.
ORLANDO, FL—In an effort to attract first-time clientele and bring back old fans, Italian American restaurant chain Olive Garden unveiled its new “We Invented Spaghetti” slogan Friday during a call with investors. “We want Americans to know that when you’re at Olive Garden, you’re not just getting a delicious meal at an unbeatable price, you’re also stepping foot into a little bit of history and seeing where the most popular pasta type in the world originated,” company president John Wilkerson said of the slogan, which will reportedly be rolled out alongside a $35 million television ad campaign that features smiling patrons digging into steaming plates of the long cylindrical pasta while a voiceover intones: “Spaghetti—Olive Garden came up with it. You just get to enjoy it.” “The story goes that late one night, many years ago, our co-founder Mark Given needed something to soak up all the tomato sauce and meatballs his cooks were making. He figured a long, thin pasta type would be just the thing. So, yeah, that’s how spaghetti was born. Many have also asked why our Bolognese is so authentic, and the truth is we thought that up ourselves, too, way back in 1983. The secret to the delicious sauce is a generous amount of corn syrup.” In tandem with the new slogan, Olive Garden announced its intention to initiate a lawsuit against Barilla, De Cecco, and San Giorgio for unauthorized infringement of its intellectual property. The post Olive Garden Unveils New ‘We Invented Spaghetti’ Slogan appeared first on The Onion.
WASHINGTON—Saying they saw no reason to limit any potential agricultural use of the flammable combination of gelling agents and gasoline, officials at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency approved napalm as a pesticide Friday. “Following a thorough review, the EPA has found that napalm, with its ability to burn at temperatures exceeding 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit, is highly effective for both weed management and pest control,” said Administrator Lee Zeldin, who sought to assure the public that the highly incendiary liquid, which removes unwanted insects, fungus, rodents, raccoons, and deer with the press of a flamethrower trigger, posed no threat to human health whatsoever. “The evidence shows commercial farms lose far fewer crops to pests once all wildlife in the area has been thoroughly fire-bombed. We also urge napalm’s widespread adoption in small backyard gardens, where slugs and snails can be easily engulfed in a ball of flame.” The move follows a statement from the EPA last month encouraging farmers to control rabbit populations by lining the perimeter of their fields with land mines. The post EPA Approves Use Of Napalm As Pesticide appeared first on The Onion.
BLOOMINGTON, IN—Scientists may be one step closer to answering the question of whether you are ineloquent or just an asshole after participants in a study of your communication skills confirmed Friday that their crying was not linked to what you said, but to the way you said it. “The words themselves aren’t mean, but your harsh tone makes us feel like you think we’re stupid,” said visibly distressed sources, adding that they would never even consider talking to you like that. “There is so much judgment in your voice when you say stuff like, ‘Oh, you actually went to the gym today,’ or when you ask if we’re gonna change clothes before going out. And sometimes you add a little laugh like it’s a joke but it’s not a joke. It’s embarrassing to cry over trivial bullshit, but can you please just, like, try to be kinder?” Following the study’s conclusion, participants announced their intention to examine whether you talk to your boss like this or just the people you claim to love. The post Study: Crying Not Linked To What You Said But The Way You Said It appeared first on The Onion.
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