Wit on comedy · June 17th

SAN DIEGO — Blink-182 co-founder and co-lead vocalist Tom Delonge was recently spotted at Balboa Park apparently overcome by a wave of nostalgia and reflecting on, what he referred to as, “the pahhseeng of toime,” confirmed sources. “It’s just loike, where does the toime gyo?” mused Delonge. “So many mahmories have been made, so many loves that I thought would last forever are all just distant veesions, trahpped in the pyast. It seems loike just yahsterday that I was on top of the world, and I know our music will live forever, but at the end of the day, what are we but a collecshyun of fading phyotos- a dahdeelyon seed floateeng away on the breeze inside my yead?” San Diego Parks and Recreation worker Anna Malenko happened to pass by the scene and provided her account of Delonge’s dark teatoime of the soul. “He’s clearly not in the best mood and I can’t believe he actually sounds like that in real life,” began Malenko while eavesdropping. “I mean I grew up listening to Blink-182. I remember one ‘toime’ me and my buddies sold an ounce of weed to the same dude we stole it from a few days earlier just to be able to buy tickets to one of their shows back in 1999. Their music was one of the soundtracks to my childhood. It makes me sad to think about one of my heroes feeling like ‘toime’ is slipping away from them.” Mark Hoppus, the other co-founder and co-lead vocalist of Blink-182, had some less than charitable interpretations of Delonge’s sullen behavior. “Oh my God, is he moping in the park again? I swear to Christ, when this guy isn’t busy flipping his hair or tonguing his lip piercings, he’s cooking up some new way to be upset about something,” said Hoppus. “I love him, I really do. We’re bandmates and brothers, but Tom is the kind of guy that will just sit there sighing until someone asks him what’s wrong, does that paint the picture? We’re worth tens of millions of dollars. We officially made it. We’ve gone further than almost any band ever will, but no, he’s gotta be sure to make time to be emo in a park somewhere. Also, real quick- does he still pronounce ‘time’ like that?” As of press time, Delonge was seen counting webs from all the spiders, catching things and eating their insides. The post Wistful Tom Delonge Reflects on ‘Pahhseeng of Toime’ appeared first on HARDTIMES.

FIJI — CBS’s next season of “Survivor” will award the winner with $1 million and the opportunity to remain in the Fijian Islands to avoid returning to America, confirmed sources. “We thought, what better way to reward the winner of the next season than to allow them to never again experience medical debt,” said long-time host and executive producer Jeff Probst. “I mean, I personally will have to go back to America. I super don’t want to, but I have a blood pact with CBS to uphold and have to talk to Gayle King on ‘CBS This Morning.’ But man, Fiji is so much better.

Every morning when I look at my phone, I am forced to read another missive from tech overlords about the gleeful inevitability of AI putting us all out of work. It’s exhausting knowing that there’s a gaggle of losers out there with more money than God gaslighting us into thinking we’re helpless babies without their technology, yet at the same time our experiences, knowledge, and talents will be rendered obsolete by some disembodied information regurgitator. But it’s not all hopeless, because AI will never replace deez nuts. I’d love to see these c-suite blowhards leverage AI to streamline grip

Nobody likes to imagine their final moments on Earth, but we all harbor the deep desire to leave this world with as much dignity and control as possible. That’s why this story is guaranteed to restore your faith in humanity and fill you with hope for the future: Life Alert has added a self-destruct button. Absolutely beautiful.

President Trump floated the idea that the Iran conflict could soon be a thing of the past, even as the cease‑fire he signed stayed hidden behind a “very general” document. Meanwhile, the company that profits from blowing up water plants, schools, and a fifth of the world’s oil shipments is rolling out something called Peace 1.0.

The new “conflict‑reduction platform” promises diplomacy, fewer bombs, and reopened shipping lanes, but its feature list reads like a beta version: a one‑page memo, unresolved technical questions, and a vague promise to figure out the details later. Early testing in Iran shows customers like the absence of active warfare, longer lifespans, and the fragile feeling that peace could snap at any moment.

Compared with “legacy peace,” this version adds higher oil prices, lingering instability, damaged infrastructure, and the ever‑present threat of renewed fighting. The company calls it a minimum viable product, deliberately stripping away the specifics that usually make a peace agreement meaningful.

Success will be measured by single‑digit missile launches, lower cargo insurance premiums, and a sense that peace feels just a little less certain than before. The war‑monger says they’ll keep both the war line and Peace 1.0 running side by side, each feeding the other, while they hunt for the next market to launch the next version.