Wit on comedy · June 18th

America’s collective ego got a little boost this week when the nation announced it had actually sat through a movie that wasn’t a sequel, prequel, reboot or spin‑off. The triumph was framed as a civic duty: learning a handful of unfamiliar character names and resisting the urge to shout “Nick Fury” or “the Force” during the two‑and‑a‑half‑hour runtime.

The reaction was oddly modest, as if watching a fresh story was a polite gesture rather than a bold experiment. Some folks said they could picture themselves returning to original cinema every few years, just to keep the novelty alive.

The self‑congratulation hit a snag when it emerged the so‑called original was, in fact, an adaptation of a novel sharing the same title. The irony landed, and the applause faded.

Untitled DocumenHe,llo frellow netizems! Today i work k up and wen t onto Compter to simpley “Check into the Net” You Know, do my Rengulars: Play crad game with my Cyber Buddy Narthan, Check Amerzon for deal’s, Enojy brownsing YouTunes (no watchin ofcourse, only brownsing the Thubnails!) and check me Spam Folgers for Impotent undead gmails such as “Dear Quewn, It is Eltons John , help m e” or “Here comes the Coupon for a Free WAfflemeal” but then I saw a New button on my brownser and I thouhgt to myslef, What Is thhis SHit?? The Buppon said “Areteficial Intellgignets” and well , , whh y y y do o I have thhhat bbiuuuttooonnm s SO I did a little inventiqation: Tuned out that Aretnafiocial Intelaginets is A type of Thinking Item that instead of using Human’s Brain’s it using A computer that knows About Thinking m , ≥ , . .,,, . Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon? I said into my Computer Microphpome. And I waite a logtime for the Answer befoe out of prue desperbation I went Onto Wikipinocchio and said again “Well, , What good is That kind of Butoon?” Vreyr loud Wikipinocchio voice came Into my Hearbuds and said “HELLL O QUEN, I am QUAZER> . “” Well , I About Took A Bathroom Right Into My Brazzier When I Heard That Quazar voice! But even Though Quazat Sounded Like a tpye of Star War/Toilet Type of talking, It waws Anctually Very helpful me! IT Explainm /th/at the Antefictional Ingredients button , Could do a lot of Reallycoolthing. For Example, , I told it “I want TO see Picture: “ BOOM, There was picture. Now I said into the button L<, “Would Like to hear Song About Picture” Boom. Song now Singing. And then I said “I would like to ORgnazie my Bones “ becauUse When J OJ OUIU I I Camme to HEA VEN m eVERy }THIHNG Went EVERTHWERE! and I mean nk Mmy pelvis Was INSID my HEAD AND MY skul l; hmb nnbbm was inside Another Person. big broblem , Adfter seeing what remarkzuckerbergle thinks I Could do with the QUAZAR artrenfincial ingegglegetns It made me think , well I dont Need rengular ingellegents anymore !! Which Is a huge refill! before, , when I want n to See A VIdeo of something skateboarding , I wouild have use my Regular Intellingets to Find Out How. m Very hard for brain m m , to Do that and to See That, But now, Useing the QUAZAR artenfictional intelligrents I can tell it “Watch video of something skatebroading” and it Does it For me while I <Rest>. , no need to Wathch the video myslef with my New Vital Productuvity Tool QUAZAR, I can give my tasks to QUAZAR and sim;lly collampse onto the Floor, , n A Husk of my Former Self, , No need to Imagine , or Dream , O r exprent .. . Sorrym m , rengular intenegents, but there is a New brian In town ,.and I will not be Needling yoy anymore ! Sencerly, , Her Rasyoal Managable, The Quen , , and QUAZAR

The health department has rolled out a new initiative to taper Americans off antidepressants, framing the nation’s mental‑health woes as a case of over‑prescription. Advocates and psychiatrists push back, pointing out that the problem is far more tangled than a simple pill count.

The plan’s “wellness” side‑kick is a coach who’s spent weeks hawking colloidal silver on flights or harassing a pharmacist, plus a pamphlet on butthole sunning for men. Everyone gets a government‑issued adult coloring book, not for stress relief but to keep the mind occupied while serotonin levels dip. If cravings hit, the suggested mantra invokes a Trump‑era paradise and a chin implant as a fallback.

Exposure therapy, according to the proposal, is a toolbox of absurdities: enter a horse derby, duel an ex with a garden rake, and, for women, a dose of electroshock. The narrative treats these extreme scenarios as if they’re ordinary steps toward “self‑improvement.”

By the end of the schedule you’re supposedly SSRI‑free, back to the “God‑intended” mix of fear and self‑loathing, and—just in case you missed it—there’s a final reminder to check whether the oven’s still on.

WATERTOWN, Mass. — Local privileged layabout Tyler Blake regularly asks friends if they’re free to hang out during normal working hours, according to baristas at the cafe where he spends much of his time. “Tyler is cool, but he doesn’t understand what it’s like to work for a living. We all know he’s got rich parents and has never had to have a real job,” said Blake’s friend Mark Slotkin during his 15-minute break. “Today he asked if I could meet up for brunch with some girls he met in the city. I reminded him that I work until 5:00 every weekday—and also that I’m married.

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Top sociologists at Harvard University revealed that childfree women who like Bob Seger are, in fact, technically daddies, sources on the research team confirmed. “Historically, we have held the belief that people who identify as women and don’t have children can’t be daddies; of course we know trans women with children can identify as dads and hot men in their 40s without children can be daddies, but only now have we confirmed through rigorous research that women who like Bob Seger are all daddy,” said researcher Mildred Spainburger.

It’s no secret that this is a violent nation. Violence is practically embedded into our DNA as a society- from the media that we consume, to our cultural value system, and even into the lyrics to our national anthem. But as violence continues to rise in response to social unrest, I feel it’s imperative to remind you all that political violence is never the answer. Unless, of course, the question is: “Are you the cops, the military, or Israel?” and the answer following that question is, “Yes.” We’ve always been a divided nation, and from that division there will naturally be disagreements.