Wit on comedy · June 19th

Paulie, a one‑year‑old tabby, has turned his kitchen into a power‑strip buffet, refusing wet food and any other cat fare in favor of chewing on cords that are actually plugged into the wall. The owners say he seems to be after the “taste” of electricity, gnawing anything from phone chargers to the refrigerator’s plug, and they’ve watched him skip the usual cat‑ish mischief for this high‑voltage snack.

Veterinarians note that this is a classic case of pica, a disorder that makes animals seek out non‑food items, and they admit it’s more common than you’d think. Their suggested remedies range from the absurd—adding soda to the water to mimic a shock—to the practical, like keeping cords out of reach, though the advice can sound as tangled as the cords themselves.

The latest update is that Paulie has graduated from live wires to vintage video‑game controllers, still preferring the plastic and circuitry over any real meal. The family is left to wonder whether the cat’s palate will ever settle on something less electrifying.

The piece frames Jesus as the ultimate “nepo baby” who somehow landed the world’s most controversial gig without a résumé, then floundered spectacularly. The host greets him, and Jesus immediately rolls his eyes, insisting his divine appointment was pure merit—he beat out Dionysus and Osiris because his father wanted someone bold enough to forgive humanity’s original sin.

The conversation quickly devolves into a blame‑game with Judas, portrayed as the incompetent coworker who “sold him out” and forced the crucifixion. Jesus admits the resurrection was a bored after‑thought, not a strategic move, and notes that his dad was less than thrilled when the whole thing spiraled into centuries of conflict. The host then points to modern America, accusing Christianity of fueling the mess, but Jesus deflects, suggesting any religion could have been weaponized by nationalist zealots.

When pressed for a divine intervention to set the record straight, Jesus shrugs, citing his father’s inaccessibility and the absurdity of manifesting on a plaster statue in Duluth. He signs off with a half‑apology, hinting that the interview is over as quickly as his cameo.

The article closes by teasing a follow‑up with Lucifer, now a startup CEO, promising the same tongue‑in‑cheek dissection of mythic figures turned corporate mascots.

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has chosen to observe Juneteenth, the federal holiday commemorating the end of slavery in the United States, by honoring the first African trillionaire, Elon Musk, disgusted sources report. “Today, we celebrate Juneteenth by honoring my friend Elon,” Trump said on the White House lawn as custodial staff continued to clean the half-empty Bud Light pounders and dried vomit from last weekend’s Freedom 250 celebration. “He’s now a trillionaire, and some even say he couldn’t have done it without me, which is great. You know, our wonderful country, which suffered so much under Crooked Joe Biden and the Dumocrats, was admitting countless illegals and letting them perform sex change operations on our kids. It’s true, but I’ve put a stop to that, and we’re finally back again, and we have our first trillionaire, so Happy Juneteenth.” Elon Musk expressed his pride in being recognized. “What an honor it is to be celebrated at the White House on this Juneteenth,” Musk told reporters. “It wasn’t easy becoming the world’s first African trillionaire, but the tireless work I put into SpaceX finally paid off, and I am finally worth more than the GDP of every single country on my home continent. Let this be a lesson: you too can achieve your dreams if you set your mind to it. Of course, it also helps if you possess the political connections necessary to alter the rules of the exchange your absurdly overvalued company uses for its IPO, but there’s really no need for us to split hairs here. In short, me being the first African trillionaire is a great example of the strident leaps America has made since I got here.” Trump voter Hugo Ballas was inspired by the speeches. “I bet the liberal media won’t even cover this event,” Ballas said. “They’re always talking about how supposedly racist Trump is, but he’s out there honoring an African trillionaire on Juneteenth. I had always dismissed this holiday as woke bullshit, but not anymore. I’m so happy for Elon, and would go out and buy myself a Cybertruck right now if I wasn’t so broke. I’ve been using a credit card to pay for gas and groceries since they’re so expensive, which is likely due to Biden having fucked up our economy before he left office.” At press time, the White House event had culminated in Musk delivering his signature Roman salute. The post White House Observes Juneteenth by Honoring First African Trillionaire appeared first on HARDTIMES.

President Trump invoked the Defense Production Act to jumpstart the manufacture of munitions, an attempt to replenish weapon stockpiles that have been severely depleted in America’s war with Iran. What do you think? “Don’t want to be underprepared for the next humiliation.” Rick Berol, Sash Embroiderer “You can’t rush the artistry of a handcrafted, artisanal 30,000-pound explosive.” Marc Halbritter, Capsule Excavator “Mother of God, just how big are those screwworms?” Vanessa Santiz, Brick Stacker The post Trump Invokes Defense Production Act To Boost Weapons Manufacturing appeared first on Th

A flesh-eating fly known as New World screwworm has been found in livestock in Texas. Here’s everything you need to know about the parasitic pest. Q: What is our government doing about screwworm? A: They are currently negotiating with the highest-ranking screwworm representatives. Q: Is this why my burger costs $25? A: No, that’s because of the truffle oil. Q: Is this charming little creature as adorable as it sounds? A: Even more so, actually! Q: What happens if you eat meat from an infected animal? A: You’re eligible to work in the Trump administration. Q: What can I do to help farmers affec

After more than a decade of planning, the Barack Obama Presidential Center will open on June 19, 2026, in Chicago’s Jackson Park, offering access to communal gathering spaces, an urban park, and historic archives.

CHICAGO—Telling staff never to click on any suspicious communications with blurred purple images, McDonald’s officials reportedly warned corporate employees Friday to beware any emails from senders purporting to be Grimace.

SAN JOSE, CA—Grimacing as he delved deeper into the article, local man Carter Lee reportedly found himself souring on the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria on Monday after reading the “Controversies” section of the militant group’s Wikipedia page. “Holy shit—ISIS does what to unbelievers?” said Lee, recoiling in horror as he viewed a blurred-out image of a jihadist holding a severed head. “Oh my God, blowing up the Temple of Baalshamin was super lame.

NEW YORK—Telling everyone to count down as she turned to her colleague, actress Lea Michele reportedly showed off her ability to make her co-star cry on command Friday. “Watch, I’ll make his distress authentic by pulling from his personal traumatic experiences,” said the 39-year-old singer and former Glee star, who brought the rehearsal of her Broadway show to a halt as she beckoned everyone to come and observe. “Pretty impressive, huh? I’ve had this skill on my resume since I was a kid. Apparently it’s hard to do, but some people are just gifted.

Brandon Jackson, who not only found his wallet without blaming his entire family for losing it, but also found it in the pants he was wearing. Eric Hughes, who, while listening to his wife’s entire twenty-two-minute story about how rude Lauren always is at book club, did not offer a suggestion for how to fix the problem.