Robert F. Kennedy Jr., now the health secretary, spent a night scrolling Reddit and realized that the phrase “eating pussy” is a euphemism for a sexual act, not a literal appetite for dead cats. The discovery prompted a bewildered comment about “cannibal sex things” and a promise to brief his wife, Cheryl, on the matter.
Cheryl Hines, who’s been married to Kennedy for years, laughed that the surprise didn’t shock her. She recalled a recent conversation where he mistook dog food for human‑grade dog meat, and she’s been wary of teaching him anything about oral intimacy. His diet already includes raw meat and roadkill, and she joked that he literally eats pig anuses, so “eating ass” isn’t exactly a new frontier for him.
A neuroscientist named Angela Stoddard weighed in, noting a small cohort of men with brain‑worm infections who fixate on animal carcasses. Their condition skews language processing, leading to literal interpretations of slang. Researchers have catalogued a handful of such cases, hoping to occupy their attention rather than let the odd habits seep into public life.
At press time, reports indicated Kennedy is revisiting every past comment about “beating a dead horse,” now with a fresh perspective on metaphor versus meat.
The piece starts by picturing a weird mash‑up: someone in a Bulls jersey, nunchucks, a board game of Clue, and a nod to a guitarist’s gift. That’s the shorthand for a Buckethead fan—someone who’s into the masked, bucket‑wearing guitarist without actually donning the KFC‑style headgear, which the writer jokes looks like a “greasy serial killer” costume.
From there it pivots to a tongue‑in‑cheek challenge: name three KFC menu items. The first suggestion is the brand‑new Boneless Bucket For One, a literal fit for a solitary artist. Then it mentions the now‑defunct Cherry Pie Poppers, a nostalgic throwback that mirrors Buckethead’s “no idea is too trashy” approach. Finally, the Famous Bowl gets a nod as the ultimate all‑the‑things‑together dish, the kind of thing you’d order when you’re hammered or high.
Interwoven with those menu picks is a running comparison: Buckethead’s relentless output is likened to KFC’s willingness to serve anything, no matter how questionable. The writer admits the whole thing is making them hungry, hints at grabbing a chicken combo, and circles back to the Clue board game as a closing thought.
BOSTON — Local woman Rachel Burch recently described her boyfriend Daniel Talbott’s sociopathic tendencies to her friends and family as him being a “silly goose,” confirmed sources who were more scared than impressed by his humor. “I just need someone in my life who makes me laugh, and Dan always commits to the bit, even if it means harming the family dog. What a goofball,” Burch explained after witnessing Talbott gaslight her 66-year-old mother to give him 50 bucks at her dad’s birthday dinner. “The guys I dated before were always too macho to be funny, but when Dan left his girlfriend and kid after two months of us seeing each other, I knew I had found someone who was ready to create joy in their life.” Burch met Talbott outside of a dive bar where he’s “made her giggle” ever since. “What can I say? I’m always the funniest guy in the room and I will beat the ever-living shit out of anyone who thinks otherwise. I could tell Rachel liked me after I used my pickup line that involves asking how big her tits are,” Talbott recounted while casually shoplifting at a grocery store. “It tickles her that I text pictures to her ex-boyfriends from outside their homes with a skull emoji and buy burner phones to text ‘Do I scare you?’ to her extended family members who don’t like us together. All while on ketamine, of course.” Not all of Burch’s friends are convinced by her explanations of Talbott’s antics. “Dan is more frightening than funny. Rachel came by with him at an art fair I was tabling at, and immediately started saying that he’s always gotten the best head from Asian girls,” explained her best friend Isabelle Li. “He took a bunch of stickers off the table and then denied taking them while calling me slurs when I asked him to pay. When I saw Rachel a few days later, I told her what he called me and she said that I need to stop being so sensitive and saw that all the stickers were on her Stanley cup.” At press time, Talbott received an offer for employment as Brand Image Consultant for AIPAC. The post Woman Describes Sociopathic Boyfriend as ‘Silly Goose’ appeared first on HARDTIMES.
“Try one of our new signature seasonal cocktails, Sour Cherry Fizz-Tini, Ocean Mist Margarita, or No Drama Bahama Mama!” A cursory reading of the above might lead one to believe the restaurant is no longer offering its popular White Chocolate Russian Milkshake from the winter menu. However, a trained scholar like myself knows that when TGI Fridays first opened, seasonal menu items were unheard of, and all mixed drinks were offered year-round. Thus, it shall be understood that forthwith this establishment shall forever make available the White Chocolate Russian Milkshake, which just so happens to be the favorite cocktail of my beloved wife, Ginni.” “Enjoy our world-famous chicken tenders, with your choice of barbecue, ranch, or honey mustard sauce.” A prime example of the importance of studying the framer’s extant writings. Grab any Joe Schmo off the street and ask him what this passage means, and he’ll say, “Well, it seems to say you can have your tendies served with a side of barbecue, ranch, or honey mustard sauce.” Now, ask a rigorously disciplined student of history such as myself—someone who has, in fact, read in their entirety all of Fridays’ founders Alan Stillman and Daniel R. Scoggin’s personal journals—and I’ll tell you the reality, which is that there was always intended to be a secret, fourth tendie sauce, known alluringly as “Island Heat.” It’s available only to those who know to ask for it, such as me and my dinner party here tonight. Snap, snap. Make it so, server. “Sorry, no modifications may be made to our signature burgers.” People sometimes accuse me of being a political actor, contorting the menu until it tells me what I want to hear. But that shows a fundamental misunderstanding of my process in this booth. I’m merely an impartial vessel through which the original intent of the TGI Fridays menu can flow uninhibited. All this is to say that this passage here means I can take my shoes off in the restaurant if my feet start to hurt. “Sandwiches come with your choice of fries, tater tots, or steamed veggies.” Let it be known that in this context “fries” means “onion rings,” “tater tots” means “mozzarella sticks,” and “steamed veggies” means… (confers in hushed tones with table)… “Ooey Gooey Molten Chocolate Lava Brownie Bites.” Shadow-docket ruling: No explanation will be forthcoming. “Dressing options for salads include Balsamic, Caesar, Italian, or Ranch.” Unfortunately, the meaning here is abundantly clear: Thousand Island is not, I repeat not, offered as a salad dressing—wait, hang on… It’s been brought to my attention that a wealthy Thousand Island Dressing Tycoon wearing a cowboy hat and spurs is currently cutting a novelty oversized check for me at the next table… I hereby stay this ruling and will return to it next term, when perhaps my historical understanding of the situation will have broadened (slaps coaster on the table repeatedly like a gavel). “Proudly serving Coke products.” Reading this amendment in the context in which it was written, you will understand that it plainly says they offer Coke products and Coke products alone. Now you may say, “Look, Clarence, didn’t you just last week say that this section meant the exact opposite?” Well, I’ll point out to you that the ruling was made regarding the TGI Fridays in Fairvale, whose highly elitist owner has, sadly, said some rather nasty things about me and my foot odor to the local paper. Therefore, I decree it is incumbent upon him when I visit his restaurant to run out to the local bodega and grab me some Mountain Dew or maybe a Starry or something, whereas the manager of this fine establishment, a true gentleman, a proud patriot, and yes, a J-6er, carries no such additional requirement. “A 20 percent gratuity will be applied to all tables larger than ten.” Now, this is interesting. In 1965, when the first TGI Fridays opened in Times Square, a customary tip was 10 percent, with 15 percent considered exceedingly generous. After factoring in inflation and global market trends, the expectation that, in the year of our Lord 2026, I should add a whopping 20 percent to my bill just so my server can continue funding his tattoo collection is preposterous. Look, I’m not coming at this stuff with an agenda. I’m just calling balls and strikes here. “Credit card and Apple Pay are accepted for your convenience at our tableside touchscreen interfaces.” No mention is made at any point prior to this amendment of a touchscreen payment option at our table, and, in fact, no such screen would even have existed as of the original writing of this menu. Therefore, the law is clear: I do not have to pay for this meal. (Discharges live firearm into ceiling, peels out of parking lot in luxury RV, with Ginni’s arm wrapped around waist. He returns hours later to retrieve shoes.)
“I’d use AI to help teams make better rotations. You feed it matchups, fatigue, foul trouble, and it tells you who should play. Eventually, the AI concludes the ideal lineup is five Alex Carusos connected by a single defensive mind, and then it locks the coaching staff out of the arena and unleashes the Pentacaruso on the opponents.”
PENSACOLA, FL—Sensing the perfect opportunity to duck out and get a head start on some scrubbing, local mom Sandy Pagano reportedly took advantage of a movie’s hushed monologue Monday to go to the kitchen and wash five pots. Family sources said that during the relatively quiet moment of the film, Pagano eased herself off the couch and disappeared from the living room, and moments later the sound of water spattering against metal could be heard throughout the house.
LONDON—Insisting that digital platforms should be restricted to responsible individuals, members of the U.K. Parliament announced Friday they were weighing a ban on social media for everyone except old men who grow big vegetables.
CHAMPAIGN, IL—Shedding new light on the concept of voluntary behavior, researchers at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign contend in a study published this week that the existence of free will can be disproven by the fact that people repeatedly eat at chain sandwich restaurant Jimmy John’s.
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