Wit on comedy · June 23rd

DETROIT — Punk financial dominatrix Sierra “Piss” Richardson nearly doubled her clientele in three days after pivoting to bullying area punks out of their cigarettes, she announced on social media earlier today. “I am first and foremost a goddess who deserves to be showered with money by pathetic men who love to do what they’re told, but close behind is my love of hanging out in front of venues, smoking Camels and looking hot. But have you seen the prices of cigarettes now? I’m not one of those top 0.01% OnlyFans models who can go out and buy a carton whenever they please. But once I started negging punks outside of the bar, they’ve been practically begging to neg them in exchange for loosies,” said Richardson. “Anyone who’s hit on me outside the bar between sets has voluntarily handed over entire packs after I fire back that they’re too weak for the pit. Something about fishnet stockings scolding them like their mother has proven mutually beneficial.” Richardson’s new following were gladly giving up their cigarettes for a chance to be noticed by her. “I was trying to impress her by saying I knew the headliner, and she responded by making me name every member of Streetlight Manifesto in reverse alphabetical order and accused my dad of bankrolling my lifestyle. Next thing I knew I was handing over the last of my Marlboros, but I’d never been more turned on in my life,” said Kyle Williams. “Fuck the show, I’m heading to the gas station to buy more cigarettes. You think she’ll call me a poser and spit in my face if I ask nicely enough?” Psychologists noted this kind of power dynamic induced sexual gratification was nothing new. “Punks are all ‘fuck authority’ until they want to actually fuck authority. This was proven in a study a few years back that found 78% of punk men would voluntarily hand over all their money to anyone who looked like Siouxsie Sioux,” said Dr. Joyce Brownstein. “But punks don’t like to offer up cash, lest they reveal themselves a sellout, so they’ll offer up other things that are arguably just as valuable like drink tickets, swiped band merch, or couches to crash on.” As of press time, Richardson publicly shamed one of her subs in the venue parking lot after he had the audacity to offer her a bubblegum vape instead of Camel Blues. The post Punk Findom Bullies Men Out of Their Cigarettes appeared first on HARDTIMES.

The show “Real Sex” turned a random HBO weekend into a crash course on the weirdest corners of public nudity. First up was a senior at a swingers’ camp who decided his entrance needed a pierced penis, a detail that made the remote‑button switch feel like a prank. The scene lingered long enough to wonder whether every elderly man you pass might be hiding a similar piece of jewelry.

Next came a performer who treated his genitals like a puppet, a literal penis‑marionette act that made any teenage curiosity feel like an accidental stumble into a circus. The absurdity was less about the skill and more about the fact that a man could spend an entire segment turning his anatomy into a prop.

The third vignette featured a 40‑plus financial planner in full‑blown adult‑baby gear, complete with diapers and a bottle. The visual of a grown man using a diaper while sipping something that might have been milk was enough to make any attempt at normalizing the fetish feel like an after‑hours infomercial.

Finally, the episode closed with a club of people masturbating together and a pair of oil‑slicked wrestlers whose bodies looked less like athletes and more like a slip‑n‑slide gone wrong. The whole thing left a lingering sense that some sexual subcultures are best left to imagination rather than a free‑weekend binge.

WASHINGTON — A recent federal investigation into the theatrical rock group GWAR regarding their mock execution of Donald Trump on stage has been called off by Trump himself after the President learned that GWAR uses slave labor, sources close to the White House report. “I take threats against my life that I have not personally orchestrated very seriously,” the president explained in a lengthy post to Truth Social. “When GWAR staged a fake Trump execution, I thought ‘Who the hell are these jabronies?’ but having looked into the matter personally, I can assure you, there is no threat. GWAR are some great people, some fantastic people, especially their labor practices; I’m a huge fan of that. They look a little, you know, odd, but I can tell we’re going to be making some fantastic deals with GWAR. I mean, I’ve said it from day one: we should be friends with Scumdogia! They know how to get things done over there!” Trump was likely alluding to GWAR’s “Slave Pit,” the tongue-in-cheek name given to the large roster of designers and crew members necessary to pull off their elaborate stage performances. “This is absolutely ridiculous!” said Slave Pit member Henry Kirch. “I mean it’s fucking ludicrous that this investigation happened in the first place; we were exercising our right to free speech as we always have, but now it’s only being dropped because Trump thinks we’re actual slaves?! The slave thing is just a gimmick! I’m the goddamn stage manager; technically I’m GWAR’s boss!” Kirch then became visibly nervous and added, “Don’t let Balsac the Jaws of Death know I said that.” Current GWAR frontman Blöthar the Berserker expressed mixed feelings about the investigation being dropped. “Blöthar resents the implication that he has anything in common with that boated cheeto of a fascist prick! I mean sure, I’m a pig-goblin, but look at that guy! Sure, we exploit human slave labor, but that’s just to give those poor pathetic creatures a little something to do before we slaughter them and throw their corpses on a pyre to light our crack pipes! We’re warrior scumdogian refugees; he’s supposed to be the President of the United States.” Insiders report that GWAR is currently working on rekindling the president’s ire by making a harmless joke about Charlie Kirk. The post Trump Softens on GWAR After Learning They Own Slaves appeared first on HARDTIMES.

The CDC reports an estimated 31 million people in the United States are bitten by a tick annually. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding the common parasites. MYTH: Ticks only live in the woods. FACT: Many ticks enjoy the more cosmopolitan feel of a park or garden. MYTH: You can easily feel a tick bite. FACT: You didn’t notice that popcorn kernel in your teeth for a whole day. MYTH: Only deer ticks are dangerous. FACT: By far the most dangerous species of tick is the Northern Deviously Clever Tick Who Covets Your Family Fortune. MYTH: Ticks survive solely on blood. FACT: They also enjoy tapas. MYTH: Tweezers are the best way to remove ticks. FACT: Tweezers are a last resort and should only be used if diplomacy fails. MYTH: You should dispose of a tick by flushing it down the toilet. FACT: Ticks should be cremated and their ashes scattered over the Grand Canyon per their burial wishes. MYTH: One tick bite can put a person off eating red meat. FACT: True but one bite from a cow can put them right back on. The post Ticks: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

We start with proto‑humans slipping out of the Paleozoic sea, only to discover that legs don’t automatically come with a user manual for staying afloat. The timeline then becomes a litany of “drowning” entries, as if every epoch is a failed beta test for the eventual doggy paddle.

Around 1,200 BCE someone watches Nile wildlife and decides to try the doggy paddle, which, unsurprisingly, ends in another “drowning” before the first successful, non‑idiotic attempt a century later. The next few entries turn swimming into a family drama: Maximus Backstroke invents backstroke, his wife lends her name to breaststroke, and a side piece gets a cinder‑block punishment that reads like a mythic courtroom sketch.

Fast forward to the 19th century, where the front crawl arrives in London, only to be tweaked by John Arthur Trudgen with a frog kick that nobody actually remembers. The early 20th century adds a tragic, Titanic‑inspired layer of literal and emotional treading water, complete with a literary footnote about a floating door that never had enough room.

Finally, the 2050 entries flip the script: rising seas force humanity into the ocean, fish‑human hybrids invent a flurry of new strokes, and, predictably, “drowning” shows up again as the ultimate punch‑line to an absurdly long swim‑through history.